Six months ago, I showed back up randomly after almost seven years of silence. I gave all the reasons that I was gone and the reasons I was finding my way back. I promised I was going to figure out who I am in middle age. I said I was going to find my voice. I have done a lot in the past six months, and I’ve learned a few things as well.
I’ve read 92 books. 92! Yes, there were novellas and middle-grade books, but there were also massive tombs of books. Balance people, balance. In reading that many books, I’ve learned that I really only have time and mental capacity for one hobby. Now, having Daddy Duty does knock out some other things I enjoy, like watching shows and movies, as he doesn’t like anything not sports (Baseball) and Andy, and if I just trot to my space after dinner, he just goes to bed. But reading can be done anywhere, so I read or listen with the earbuds. Apparently a LOT. I do still go to bed with Dateline; I’m not completely savage.
I have, in fact, NOT found my voice. Reading some old stuff, I was so in tune with deeper thoughts and themes, and sometimes actually conveyed that to the text. Now, I find words hard to string together in ways that make sense. I find it difficult to really reach into those deeper thoughts, and then words still fail me. Grammarly has taught me that I’m more a book reactor than a book reviewer. And I’ve always known I’m an emotional reviewer, but . . . this feels ridiculous how far I’ve fallen with words. I’m aware it’s a problem and I’m committed to keep showing up but it’s also very disappointing that I’m not near where I was and I feel like I’m in a trap or rut that I’m not sure how to get to the other side. Maybe I just got old? Maybe my brain cells are toast?
I am still committed to this journey. But . . . I’ve launched so hardcore head first into the books, the numbers, the stories that I’m leaving out other pieces of life. Balance is not my strong suit. Hence, one hobby at a time. For the last seven years, my hobby was work. For the last six months that hobby is reading. Being realistic to my limitations, some hobbies will mostly stay backburner. I don’t see having time to binge a series, but I can watch a few more movies. I want to go back to watching Happy’s Place. The last thing Ma and I did together (I mean, she wasn’t responsive, but whatevs, same room, same show, it’s together) was catch up on that show. I’ve not wanted to go back there, but I do. I enjoy games, specifically Sims 2, but who has time? I used to do counted cross stitch, but old lady eyes make it hard. But it can be done almost anywhere, even with a 100 (literally) volume TV on in the background. I am not giving up reading but I’m going to try to slow down, try to make room for something, anything else, into that space. I’m going to try to learn balance. Maybe? I’ve never been good at balance 😀
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