It’s been a long time since I sat down to write here. About 6 and a half years to be more precise. A lot happened during those years, and a lot didn’t happen. A lot happened that led to that gap. And what I find when I sit down to the blank page is I don’t know what to say. I don’t have my ‘voice’.
After losing my local bestie Amanda I was shortly after promoted at work with more work to go with it. Later that year I was given a really great opportunity to launch a whole new line of business at work. A LOT more responsibility and work to go with it. I kept reading and reviewing not as much, not as prolifically but reviewing. But my heart wasn’t in it. Then there was COVID. And my dad’s health issues. And helping Ma more. And work, always work. I slowly let my work become a bigger part of my identity and let things I was passionate about, like books, slide to the side. While I kept my website domain steady my template was no longer supported and I just let the site be down as I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was slowly losing my voice. And then. . . this time last year Ma got sick. And six weeks later she was gone. Through it all my voice just slipped away.
Losing Ma changed a lot of things. I had moved home during COVID to help Ma more. Now it was just me and Daddy. My world became more limited. It was home and work. And I was tired. And lost. Over the spring and summer I began reading again. It helped pass the time of baseball being on the TV or radio (St. Louis Cardinals being the second religion of my dad). Over the fall Kristin and I started talking more about getting back to reviews and our own reading journeys. And talking about getting this site back up and going. Then the end of the year changed my work situation. And I lost a part of my identity.
Real Talk. I turned 50 last summer. And honestly, it wasn’t traumatic or even an emotional cartwheel it just was. But, being AARP certified without my Ma and without my own identity slowly became a thing. It was time to figure out who I want to be. Not what I did but who I am. Not who I used to be but who I will be. I thought a lot about writing again, but I’d given away my voice. I thought a lot about reviewing again but I had lost my voice. I’m truly re-evaluating who I want to be based on who I am (and not what I do). I know that books have been a part of who I am since I was 4. I know that this site is a part of that and has been, off and on, for over a decade. Kristin talked me into rebranding, updating if you will. A friend’s son volunteered to do new graphics. I was hesitant as I’d been burgundy since the beginning (the original Blogger days). But in the commitment to growth, that’s a lie I never committed to grow, more the commitment to discovery myself again I forced myself to be open to change. As things start to update around here feel free to let me know what you thing. I mean change is hard. I’ve made a commitment to review two books a month starting in February. I don’t foresee ever being as prolific as I once was but I know it’s a part of who I am. I need that time to find my voice and face the blank screen. I don’t know that I know how to review anymore. I don’t know that I’ll sound the same, write the same, but I want to write. It’s time to find my voice again.
Girl,
Never ever forget who your momma made “you”, your momma made you loud and proud. She is watching you. Do it for her honey, and how much your friend encouraged you.
I miss your face!
I’m glad to hear that you are finding your voice again and so sorry to hear about all that has happened. My parents who put a love for books in me from an early age, always said, ” A sense of humor is your best friend.” I like reading what you have to say. It feels like a warm conversation with a good friend over coffee. It’s hard for me to make the time to read books, but I would enjoy seeing your reviews. Also, I’m terribly sorry about my profile picture. I will change it soon. I was trying to cheer up a family member by saying I discovered a large giant credit card as the solution to our problems. Look forward to reading more in the coming days. Take care.
It was so good to talk to you yesterday!